How to Cope With The Fear of Forgetting

I could feel the pain radiating from her as she sat across the table, tears pouring from her eyes. “I am so scared I will forget him,” she sobbed. “Is that crazy? I feel so crazy right now.”

My heart hurt for this woman and the pain she was experiencing. While I had not experienced the same kind of loss as she, I had worked with enough grieving people to know that her fear was normal. Of course, she didn’t feel normal because her life had been turned upside down, but the fear she was experiencing is very normal.

The thought of forgetting a loved one can cause great anxiety and be difficult to explain to others. It is not that you are scared to forget their person…. You are scared you will forget the things that made that person so incredibly special to you. It is the fear of:

What if I forget…

The way they smelled.

The sound of their voice.

The way they laughed.

The feel of their arms wrapped around me.

The memories, both big & small.

The things they said.

The jokes they made.

The advice they gave.

All of the things that made them special.

While you will absolutely never forget how much you loved them, there are a few tools or techniques you might consider to help you keep their memory alive.

Journal

Whether you prefer to journal by hand or by voice, on paper or electronically, publicly or privately, it is important to carve out a little time for yourself every day to sit down and record your memories. It doesn’t matter if they are big memories, small memories, random little memories- just write what comes to you.

You may choose to utilize a grief journal in the beginning that has writing prompts to help you sort through memories and emotions, or you may choose to grab a blank notebook and jot down memories as you think of them.

Tip: You might also consider carrying a mini-notebook with you throughout the day so you can write down memories as they come to you.

Ask Friends to Help

After you lose someone, it is normal for friends and family to hesitate to talk about your loved one. They don’t hesitate because they don’t care or because they have forgotten. Rather, they do it because they are scared to upset you.

But what they do not understand is that you need them to help you remember! You need to hear your loved one’s name and listen to the memories others have of them. One great way to do this is by asking friends on social media.

This doesn’t have to be anything formal or fancy, just a simple request for folks to share photos or stories with you. You will be amazed by the responses you receive!

Preserve Special Items  

Everyone has those little items that remind them of people and memories. Photos, clothing, hats, trinkets, their belongings- whatever it is, hang on it! And, when you feel like you are able to think through what they truly mean to you, browse ideas on how to best preserve them.

A Few Ideas include:

·       Create a nice scrapbook or photo album

·       Create throw pillows or a quilt from his or her clothes

·       Repurpose their jewelry into something special and new

·       Make a shadow box with important belongings or achievements

·       Gift special items to family or close friends- ask them to take a photo of themselves enjoying/using/wearing it.

Create a Place of Permanent Remembrance

Having a place, away from the house, where you can go and remember and grieve your loved one, is important to your healing. For many people, that special place is the cemetery. For other people, it may be a dedicated bench on the bike trail, at a favorite park, or another type of memorial garden.

Wherever your special place of remembrance is, it is important that it permanently honors your loved one's memory. Whether you choose to erect a headstone, dedicate a tree with a plaque or an engraved stone, or engrave their name on a brick at a favorite place to visit, having a permanent record for all to see that he or she lived an amazing life is an important way to ensure you never forget.